Reasons Why you May be a People-Pleaser

For those who identify as people-pleasers, it can be helpful to understand why you behave in these ways as the first step in gaining insight to change. Below is a non-exhaustive list of reasons you may be engaging in people-pleasing behavior, as well as explanations on why you may experience such a difficulty with changing these patterns.

1) You have difficulty with confrontation

People-pleasers oftentimes put others needs and wants before their own because they have trouble with confrontation. If you fall into the mindset of not wanting to “ruffle feathers,” this may be because it is difficult to go against others’ opinions. As a result, people-pleasers will do whatever is needed to avoid conflict.

2) You have a fear of abandonment

People-pleasers may also be driven by the fear that if they do not come off as nice, flexible, and selfless, they will experience rejection. Thus, this fear of others leaving them or not liking them drives people-pleasers to spread themselves so thin at the expense of their own well-being and needs.

3) You grew up in a household where you learned that expressing your needs is selfish

People-pleasers commonly grew up in an environment that when they expressed their thoughts and feelings, these disclosures were invalidated by their loved ones. These interactions can then become internalized as “my needs do not matter,” resulting in these individuals being guided by others’ wants and decisions.

4) If you want to be seen by others as loyal and reliable

Those who are people-pleasers often do not know any other way to behave, which results in an expectation and assumption from others that they can be dependent on people-pleasers at all costs. If a people-pleaser is used to others seeing them in this light, it can feel like you must consistently people please to give off this perception.

5) If you have difficulty setting boundaries

People-pleasers often find it difficult to say, “I don’t have the energy” or “I can’t make it".” It can feel impossible to set limits on what these individuals have the energy, time or ability for, resulting in the need to please others.

6) You grew up in an environment where praise and validation was conditional

For many people-pleasers, it is common that they may have only received attention and love when they have given in to what others wanted. If this were the case, these individuals would have learned that they need to people please and put others’ needs before their own to receive any type of reciprocation.